When it’s too late..

Growing up is hard. No one ever truly prepares you for the journey that is to come, the responsibilities that follow.
The struggle is real and as you get older you find that the world grows colder. People stop considering you, thinking of your well-being. You realize life isn’t what you’d thought it’d be at all.
Stress overwhelms you, people leave you, anxiety and depression take hold of this deep secret place inside of you but you don’t realize it yet.
You get attack after attack, you look for someone who would listen, someone to help lift the load, a friend, and you find nothing, no one. You feel completely alone.
You start to feel dark and negative about everything that begins to happen in your life.
You try looking for God but you don’t hear Him. You begin to wonder just how long is all this going to last.
When will it end? How do I break out of this vicious cycle? No one can help me now. I’m on my own and this is all just too much to bear. I can’t possibly continue any further. I don’t know where to go from here.
There’s no escaping life, responsibilities, you just want it all to end NOW!
It looks hopeless. Depression rises high in your mind, your hands shake with fear and anger.
All you want is out either of this situation or life. Which is gonna come first?
God, do you hear me? No one answers. You feel the furthest away from Him than ever before.
He can’t hear you says a small voice in your head. Everything you’ve ever thought about Him becomes so foggy.
You’re not thinking right. You pray, you search, you ask for signs but still no one appears.
And those around you? Where are they? So busy living their life, doing what works for them, trying to find a place they can feel useful in.
Here you are all out of life lines. There’s no other option.
This seems to be it you think. You debate it for so long. I goes against everything you’ve ever believed in your whole life.
But things don’t always go according to plan is what you tell yourself.
Things don’t always work out the way we want them to. Things happen, people fail you, life gets unbearably hard.
So this is it. I’ll do it. If this is the only thing that will work, if this is the only way to get some peace.
But I’m scared. I can’t muster up the strength to pull it down, press it back. I have it in my hands but it still doesn’t feel real.
Am I sure? Of course I’m not but there’s nothing left for me to try.
To make it easy I try to think of all the things that lead me up to this point.
The emotions that felt so strong abandon me now. I’m on my own even in the very last second of life I am left alone by my own emotions.
My hands are shaking but I’ve decided to do it.
I press down and right before it lands but too late to take it back he shows himself to me. The demon that fought so hard for my life. The only one who didn’t give up on me. But it’s too lat for me now. I’m his.
Everything I knew my whole life revealed to me through seeing him.
And all I can do is beg to go back, for the stress, the situations that once tormented me.
“I’ve come up with solutions.”
“I don’t need peoples encouragement I’m ok.”
“I’ll manage.”
Though I beg to go back, deep down I know that won’t be possible.
This is it.
This is my new life. A whole new realm of torture. And I cry.


(drawing by: Rebecca  /  IG: beckydoodler)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s