A Promise

I never had an older sister. No one to guide me through lifes toughest moments. No one ever taught me how to be an older sibling..

Everyone was too busy dealing with life, and that’s ok. I know now that’s a real thing. No one ever warns you that once that 18th year rolls around life gets real, quick. I know how easy it is to get so wrapped up in your own life and what you’re doing or what you need that you forget the little ones around you, your siblings. You forget that you’re a role model, a friend, a counselor, a shoulder to lean on.

It saddens me to know that I let so many years go by unnoticed. I let time pass me by with not even a [real] “how have you been?”  and then expecting a real life answer. I was truly oblivious to their needs, their unanswered questions, to their pain and confusion.

 I think about it constantly and wonder if I’m too late, if I’ve lost the chance to really care and actually be helpful.

I think back to my days in high school and I’m glad they’re over. People hated me, bullied me, they made it real easy for me to hate school and stay home. They made it easy for me to hate myself, wondering what I could have possibly been doing wrong, what reason could I have been giving them to hate me? I tried so hard to win them over. I let them into my house, tried the things they liked to do, and even when they would invite me over it was as if just to reject me some more. School was never just somewhere you went to learn, it was torture, it was a place I longed to be over with so I’d never have to deal with disgusting people like that again.

I made it into my 18th year and was introduced to real life. It automatically started off on the wrong foot, I was forced to find a place to stay, witnessed my then boyfriend get beat up by two people who were suppose to have my back but instead saw an opportunity to blow off some steam over a situation they knew nothing about. (I’m sure they feel bad now knowing that that situation was a piece of trash!) and all this in one night. We could even call it my ‘going away party’.

I got into drugs, jumped from place to place never really having a home until now. I was so lost in life but the crazy thing is that those “closest” to me didn’t even notice, or care to notice. Maybe they did notice and just didn’t feel the need to intervene. Who knows, maybe they just didn’t know what to say..

I look back at all I’ve done and wonder how am I still alive today. How did I manage to survive the drugs, the recklessness, how did I not end my own life after all the rejection (from every which way), the unmentionable things that happened that no one knows anything about… Of course who was I to talk to really? Who could I run to and ask for advice on anything? Who could possibly give me solid advice without the judgement? At the time, no one. No one reached out. No one noticed the lost look in my eyes.

I’m not blaming anyone for my crazy forgettable life.

I guess I’m really just answering my own question, I’m not too late. I know I haven’t really been there how a normal older sister would be (whatever that is). But when I look at my life, the real damaging moments happened after high school, after pretend play was over. No one really told me about life and just how crazy and messed up it could be. We all know what it could be if only good things happened, sure, isn’t that what we all dream about growing up. No one ever plans to be on drugs or even being rejected and/or ignored by everyone including those closest to them. To be in a situation where you feel you’ve got absolutely no control over your own body, in a place where people don’t really care just how vulnerable you really are.

But “shit happens” and life keeps going, people keep living, they move on with absolutely no recollection of you and your life. No care in the world about who you are today or what you’ve been through to get you here.

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Side Note: {{Facebook isn’t a place to connect with friends, it’s a legal social network for stalking. Keeping an eye on what people, you don’t talk to, are doing. Or showing people you don’t even know what you just bought or just how “wonderful” your life is. Those who actually use it to keep in touch with family and real friends are few and rare.}}

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Life is definitely different now, thank God. My family is amazing I LOVE THEM, we are closer than ever and I couldn’t ask for anything better. I know life gives us situations that prepare us for something more, making us stronger than we ever thought we ever were. I am not trying to save anyone from every situation they will face, I’m not trying to shelter them from every experience they could possibly encounter. I just want to be there for them to help them make better decisions or at least well informed ones. I know that if I had known a lot more about what I did before I had done it I probably wouldn’t have done most of it and those I did do would have been done more cautiously.

And even though I’m still in the process of figuring life out on the other side of what I knew, I promise I am NEVER going to be too busy to help someone out, to talk to someone, to listen to a cry that’s been building up for so long; a cry with no words, no explanations, no interruptions. I promise I will never be to busy to try and help someone find their way, because I too know what it feels like to be lost, to feel hopeless, and to be completely alone…

{THEN}                                                                                                                                                {NOW}

IMG00498                                           Copy of 3,31,13 kids on Easter

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